Hey. I know a lot of you are wondering where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. We’ve been trying to get some work done on our house, and we’ve done what we could. There’s been a lot of crap going on around here, and it’s all kind of just bearing down on me, to the point where I have trouble functioning daily, if I want to be honest. It’s one of those situations where you feel like it’s never going to be okay, no matter what you do, you know? And every time you turn around, it just gets worse. To be completely frank, I feel like I’m at the very end of my rope.
After Alex’s Jeep was totaled, we used the insurance money to pay for another car because as you know, having just one car with two working adults is nearly impossible, especially when one of them works odd hours (Alex). Then we used the rest of the money to catch up on bills we hadn’t had a chance to pay, and we’re not talking a lot of bills. We’ve already cut down to the bare minimum as far as that goes. The problem is that the electric bill always runs over 200 bucks every month, and it sucks. On top of that, we’re barely able to squeak by week after week.
But you know, it doesn’t matter, does it? Because the worst thing in the world happens when you can least afford anything, right? So the roof over the back of our house that we knew was going bad decided to fall in. It’d been going for a while, I admit that, but when you don’t have the money to fix it, and I mean, really don’t have the money to fix it, then it’s a problem. We were able to get ice shield over it all, but we had to buy three rolls of it @100 bucks per roll (ouch). Then the car breaks down (another 160.), then our water switch for the house went out (only 20 but you get where I’m going here, right?), and to top it all off nicely, our front burner on the stove went out, too, which is not a big deal until you realize that the other front burner on our stove went out a while ago, so we only have the small back burners left working since those are fifty bucks apiece. Then we had no money for groceries at all, had no food, no help, no nothing. That’s where we are, and you’re not going to read about this on Facebook; I never post stuff like this there because, really, what’s the point? The point is, at this point, I am ready to give up, completely and utterly.
So in an effort to get some money from Eric’s 401k (our only option left), we filled out all the stuff they wanted, but they want an ‘official estimate’. We can’t. Firstly, there isn’t anyone who will do one without being paid (which we don’t have). Secondly, licensed contractors are required by law to report certain things, like black mold, and if they report that, the health department will condemn our house until it’s been fixed, and we cannot afford to move even temporarily. We’re so finished, it’s not funny. We can’t even get the money to help ourselves. I’ve been through it in my head so many times, and there’s just nothing. Not a thing that could help us or save us. We’re absolutely done. Needless to say, at this point, the stories are useless, pointless. I can’t get my head around real life stuff, so writing just seems frivolous when all I keep thinking is that if Eric could just work a couple days of overtime, we’d be okay. We’re not okay. No one is hiring, let alone hiring someone who hasn’t worked in 20 years because she wanted to raise her family, because she has a handicapped child that takes priority over everything. No one wants to hire me because I made a mistake 13 years ago and was convicted of a felony. They see that and that’s all they see. They don’t know if I have done anything to make sure that I don’t make the same mistake again (I did. I asked the court to order me to get counseling because we couldn’t afford it, so if the court ordered it, I wouldn’t have to pay for it when we didn’t have it.). They only see the “yes” box ticked next to have you ever been convicted of a felony? I’ll be honest here. All I can think of lately is that if I accidentally died, Eric could have my life insurance. They say God doesn’t let anything happen to you that you cannot handle, but I’m starting to wonder. I feel like I’m balancing on the edge of depression, and I’ve been there before. It’s an ugly place, and the whole thing is just dirty and terrible, but that’s where I feel like I’m going. So sorry about the lack of updates. At this point, I just don’t know when or how or anything. I just don’t know.
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