Saturday, May 17, 2014

Desideratum: 001: Debacle

~~Chapter 1~~

~Debacle~

Three years later.

 

 

Kagome stared at the brilliant, shimmering orb in the wan light of the merrily dancing flames. Pink and white undulated inside the confines of the Shikon no Tama. It cost so much in terms of lives lost. It was impossible to look at the jewel and feel anything but utter sadness. Some of them had lost more than others, but everyone had lost something.

 

Shippou had lost his father because of the Shikon no Kakera. His father had died because of the one shard he possessed. Slain by the Thunder Brothers, Shippou was left an orphan, and his quest to avenge his father had led him to InuYasha and Kagome. The kitsune had seen too much, had lived through more than he should have had to, and because of that, he seemed so much older than his eleven years.

 

Sango, the youkai exterminator, had lost her entire village and her family, save one member: her younger brother, Kohaku. Kagome knew that Sango considered herself lucky to have been able to keep him when they hadn’t known for so long if it would be possible for him to survive once the shard that had kept him alive was removed from him. That he had was nothing short of a miracle—one granted by Kikyou just before she’d died when she transferred the light of purity from the shard in Kohaku to the boy himself . . . Now, Kohaku wandered, slaying troublesome youkai in an effort to make up for all of the mistakes he’d made in his lifetime, and while Sango was just grateful to know that he was alive, Kagome also knew that Sango wished that he would come back, that he would chose instead to stay close to her.

 

Miroku hadn’t lost as much because of the Sacred Jewel as he had in a family feud with Naraku. His grandfather had been cursed with the kazaana—the wind tunnel—and it had been passed down to Miroku’s father, and at last, to him. In those last days before they found and defeated Naraku, the kazaana had expanded so much that Kagome had feared that they would lose Miroku before they tracked Naraku down. He had been very, very lucky.

 

InuYasha had lost fifty years. Pinned to Goshinboku by Kikyou’s sacred arrow, he hadn’t been alive, but he hadn’t really been dead either. He hadn’t aged at all, and there would have been no telling how long he would have remained there if Kagome hadn’t fallen through the well. Then to find that he’d lost Kikyou, all because of Naraku’s deception . . . and then to lose her a second time . . . Kagome had seen that last kiss, and it had hurt . . . Under the stars, he’d sat holding her . . . but Kikyou had managed to save Kouga and Kohaku, both, and . . . well . . . how could she fault InuYasha for doing whatever he could do to make peace with the first woman he’d ever loved? Kikyou had chosen to die instead of living with the pain of InuYasha’s perceived betrayal the first time, and the second? The second death . . . it was the one she was supposed to have had . . . Kagome winced. InuYasha had lost so much, too.

 

Kagome’s brow furrowed as she stared at the jewel. She hadn’t lost anything, not really. Unlike the others, she’d gained more than she ever had to lose. Sure, she’d struggled to keep up in school since she spent so much time here helping her friends recover the jewel shards, but she had finished school a couple of months ago, in March. Maybe she’d had to learn how to rough it, to make due in a permanent camp-out, but she’d gained another family—dysfunctional, perhaps, but family just the same.

 

Glancing over at InuYasha, Kagome bit her bottom lip and waited for his signal. He stared at her for a long, solemn moment before nodding once. “Okay,” she murmured, squeezing the jewel tight before dropping it into Shippou’s hands.

 

The young kitsune who had grown so much since the fateful day he’d come across InuYasha and Kagome had flourished in the love he was given, the love of friends who were more like family. ‘Shippou understands what life is all about,’ Kagome mused as a gentle smile touched her lips. Drawing a deep breath, the kitsune passed the jewel to Sango.

 

The exterminator stared at the jewel in her hand, wiped a tear from her cheek as she stared at the swirling mist in the orb. She had found wisdom through her losses. ‘Sango knows what it means to lose . . . and she knows how to pick up the pieces and go on.’ Sango used that wisdom to guide her, and as she gazed at the Shikon no Tama, her sad little smile broke Kagome’s heart. Sango closed her hand around the jewel then handed it to Miroku.

 

Balancing the jewel in the hand that used to house the kazaana, Miroku caught Kagome’s gaze and nodded. ‘Miroku’s remembering that night,’ she thought absently. ‘The night he told me that the kazaana was spreading.’ How he’d managed to find the courage to face every day and to do so with a smile and his gentle grace still amazed Kagome. He dropped the jewel into InuYasha’s hand with a knowing nod and a reverent bow.

 

InuYasha didn’t hold the jewel long, simply passing it back to Kagome. ‘He trusts me to do this,’ she realized as a warm glow wrapped around her. ‘He’s learned to trust us all.’ InuYasha had found something that had eluded him for far too long. He had friends now, people who depended on him, friends to protect.

 

The Four Souls aren’t really one person,’ Kagome mused. ‘Sango and Miroku, Shippou and InuYasha . . . They are the four souls, and their perfect balance with each other . . . that’s what we needed to purify the Shikon no Tama. They are my sakimitama, kushimitama, aramitama, and nigimitama . . . they are my love, wisdom, courage, and . . . my friendship.’

 

As soon as the words entered her mind, the jewel rose in front of her, suspended in the air. No real wish came to her, nothing meaningful or profound. The Shikon no Tama slowly brightened, the tinge of pink dissipating. A low hum emanated from the jewel, growing louder and louder like thunder rolling across the land. The jewel shattered in a burst of light and sound. Wind erupted around them but didn’t touch the fire. Kagome lifted her hands to shield her face moments before InuYasha’s arms wrapped around her, protecting her from flying debris. As quickly as the wind had come, it diminished, and Sango’s gasp echoed in the quiet meadow.

 

InuYasha let his arms drop though he didn’t let go of Kagome. Opening her eyes, Kagome breathed sharply as she stared at the shimmering vision, the beautiful warrior-miko of legend, Midoriko. Kirara mewled softly, recognizing her former mistress. Midoriko smiled at the double-tailed fire cat-youkai and nodded her thanks. “Well done, Kirara. I missed you. Tell me, what is it you wish?”

 

Kirara mewled again, rubbing against the apparition or entity—Kagome wasn’t sure what Midoriko really was. Midoriko laughed softly as Kirara leapt into her arms. “Yes, of course . . . you simply wish to remain with Sango.”

 

 

:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:

 

 

Upon hearing her name, Sango lifted her chin, steadily met Midoriko’s calm gaze. The warrior-miko’s voice came to her in a whisper. Her lips didn’t move, but her smile was radiant and somehow sad. Midoriko nodded slowly, seeing past words and into Sango’s heart. ‘You and your brother are the last of your people—the protectors of the Shikon no Tama . . . Your kin died protecting my sanctuary, destroying the youkai who would threaten these lands. I cannot give you back what you have lost, and in truth, I think you’ve found a new place to belong. You wish to be with the houshi. You wish to be his wife. With a union between the two of you, you can restore what you have lost. Do you understand, Sango? It won’t be easy. Then again, some of the things you’ve found comfort in are not the things that are easily obtained.’

 

I understand, Midoriko.’ Casting a glance at Miroku, the taijya smiled. ‘I understand.’

 

 

:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:

 

 

Midoriko nodded and caressed Sango’s cheek, her fingers lingering before she let her hand drop and turned to face Miroku. ‘Houshi-sama . . . that is what she calls you, isn’t it? Your heart is conflicted, isn’t it? You know what you want, and you fear that you cannot have it.’

 

Miroku couldn’t look at the miko. She could see into his heart. She could see the conflict that divided his soul. Painful, bitter . . . Everything he’d ever wanted was right there, so close, and yet . . . Miroku didn’t dare look at Sango. ‘I . . . yes.’

 

A shadow of sadness washed over Midoriko’s feature before a compassionate smile replaced the emotion. ‘I cannot change things for you. I cannot lessen your fears, nor can I dispel your doubts. I can tell you that the things you seek are not impossible. The path is troublesome, but you, Miroku . . . you must be certain that it is what you truly want.’

 

He swallowed hard, nodded once. ‘I understand, Midoriko. You are wise.’

 

 

:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:

 

 

Young kitsune—Shippou. Your wish is the easiest of them all.

 

Shippou blinked as he stared up at Midoriko’s shimmering visage. ‘It is?

 

Of course. You want what you already have, don’t you? A family, though perhaps not in the traditional sense?

 

I don’t understand,’ Shippou thought as he slowly shook his head. ‘I don’t have a family . . .’

 

Don’t you, Shippou? Are you so certain?

 

My friends, you mean? Are they my family?

 

Midoriko’s smile was radiant, shining. ‘There are two kinds of family, you see. There are those who choose to have you, and there are those you choose to have.’

 

Shippou slowly shifted his gaze around the campfire, staring at his friends—his family—and he realized that Midoriko was right. ‘Thank you,’ he told her with a bashful grin. ‘I chose them a long time ago, didn’t I?

 

You did, Shippou. In the coming years, you’ll grow and mature. Always remember the things that they have taught you, even if they are no longer with you. If you hold them dear—if you hold them in your heart—they will always be there to lend you strength and comfort, and they will always hold you the same way.’

 

I understand, Midoriko,’ Shippou assured her. ‘I’ll do my best.’

 

 

:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:

 

 

InuYasha regarded the ageless miko with a curious gaze. Arms tucked around Tetsusaiga with Kagome by his side, the hanyou waited almost patiently for Midoriko to speak.

 

I know what is in your heart, InuYasha. I know what it is you want. Haven’t you found that already? The acceptance of others? The warmth of true friendship?

 

InuYasha wrinkled his nose and snorted. ‘Keh! That don’t matter. I never wanted nothing, anyway.’

 

Midoriko laughed, and InuYasha blushed as he ducked his chin and folded his arms together under the sleeves of his haori. ‘You don’t have to tell me what you want, InuYasha. You fought to protect the Shikon no Tama, and you fought to protect Kagome. You fought for your friends, and you fought for yourself. All you have to do is think about what it is that matters most to you; what it is you really want.’

 

Whatever.’

 

Mark my words, InuYasha: there may come a day when you must shed your tough exterior and let someone see into your heart. Do not be foolish enough to miss your chance.’

 

He started to scoff at the miko’s words. Something in her eyes stopped him. A sense of quiet foreboding, a single look that quelled the sarcasm, the brusqueness that he used to hide his feelings from everyone—from himself . . .

 

He stared at her for a long moment before he finally nodded, one terse jerk of his head. ‘I understand, Midoriko, but . . . it don’t make sense.

 

 

:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:

 

 

Kagome waited patiently as Midoriko leaned down, listened as InuYasha whispered something to her that Kagome didn’t hear. Intercepting Shippou’s joyful smile, she couldn’t help but smile back, and that smile lingered on her lips as she noticed the peaceful expression on Sango’s face. Whatever Midoriko had said to her friend had helped to alleviate the hint of sadness that seemed to follow Sango everywhere.

 

Kagome’s smile faltered as she glanced at Miroku. The monk was flexing his hand, frowning thoughtfully as he touched his glove that used to cover the kazaana. Fingering the prayer beads that he wore out of habit rather than necessity, he was pensive, quiet. She wished she knew why.

 

InuYasha scooted a little closer to her, and Kagome shot him a quick smile. He didn’t return the sentiment, but he did look content. Kagome didn’t have time to analyze it. Midoriko reached down, held out her hand. “Come with me, Kagome. You and I should talk.”

 

Kagome took the miko’s hand without question, brushing off her skirt as she rose to her feet. She could sense InuYasha’s reluctance to let her wander off. She gave him a reassuring smile before following Midoriko away from the campfire.

 

“Tell me what I can do for you, Kagome. Tell me how I should repay someone who possesses a heart pure enough to set me free.”

 

Kagome licked her lips nervously, feeling her palms break into a sweat. She hadn’t been sure this morning when she’d left the shrine five hundred years in the future. She’d hoped that it wouldn’t come to this. “The well’s closed, isn’t it?”

 

Her question was more of a statement than anything. She didn’t need to have anything affirmed to know. She’d felt the shift in the ground beneath her, and she’d known; of course she’d known.

 

“Yes, it is.”

 

Kagome swallowed the lump that rose in her throat. “I see.”

 

“You knew, didn’t you? You said goodbye to your mother and your brother and to your grandfather, as well. You wrote letters for your friends in hopes that they would never read them, and you kept this from InuYasha.”

 

She shrugged as she tried not to think about the things Midoriko had mentioned. It hurt enough at the time. It had hurt worse than anything she’d ever had to do before.

 

I don’t see what the big deal is,” InuYasha grouched as he waited for Kagome to climb out of the well. Tapping his foot as he wrinkled his nose, he snorted loudly as she tossed her backpack over the ledge and pulled herself up. “Keh! Your time stinks, wench.”

 

Kagome rolled her eyes. “I know. It’s called ‘pollution’, dog boy; now give me a hand, will you?

 

He shook his head but caught her hands, easily dragging her over the side of the well before setting her back on her feet. Letting go of her as soon as she was on solid ground, he snorted again, pausing long enough to grab her backpack, before stomping up the stairs that led out of the well-house. Kagome sighed. ‘He’s as nervous as I am . . . He’s afraid that the jewel won’t be purified . . . or maybe he’s afraid that it will . . .’

 

It was a plan that they’d been thinking about for awhile. Kaede, the old village miko, had suggested that Kagome and the others try to purify the jewel as one, just as they had defeated Naraku years before. They’d had the jewel all this time because they hadn’t wanted to jeopardize tainting the Shikon no Tama in making a wish because, as Miroku had pointed out, wasn’t the root of all wishes really a selfish thing? “Even the most seemingly selfless wish is based in some bit of selfishness.

 

What the fuck does that mean?” InuYasha snarled from where he lounged casually in Kaede’s hut. “There ain’t nothing selfish about it, Miroku.”

 

Miroku shook his head and held up his hand perpendicular to his face. “Purifying the jewel, in and of itself, would alleviate the base need to protect it. That is a selfish desire. Without the jewel, the youkai would stop coming, and we—Kagome especially—would be out of danger.”

 

‘InuYasha didn’t want to admit that Miroku might have been right, but he had stopped demanding that we try to purify it, didn’t he?’

 

Kagome followed InuYasha into the hazy light of the setting sun and shook her head. He hadn’t wanted to let her go home, either. He’d started to throw one of his fits about it; about her running home to her time whenever the going got tough, but it wasn’t like that this time. It wasn’t like that at all. Finally telling him that she was going whether he liked it or not, InuYasha had finally given in, albeit with all the ill grace he could muster. Kagome had been surprised when InuYasha had called out to her, stomping after her as she had swung her legs over the ledge of the well. He hadn’t said a word to her when he reached her, but he had given her the ‘Pathetic Human’ look and had snatched her off the side of the well before hopping into the darkness.

 

She’d eaten dinner with her family. She’d shared in their happy banter, and she’d laughed with them. Careful not to think about the things that she knew could happen later, she concentrated instead on making sure that she memorized everything about them: Mama’s gentle smile, the unruly tendencies of Souta’s hair despite his efforts to keep it neat, Grandpa’s never-ending stories . . .

 

We’re going to try to purify the jewel tomorrow,” Kagome had said as she washed the dishes after supper. Wincing as she felt her mother’s pause as she cleared things off the table, Kagome had known that Mama understood what she had been trying to say.

 

I see. It’s been a long time in coming, hasn’t it?

 

I suppose. We have to do it. It needs to be done. The jewel’s hurt too many people. It can’t go on like that.”

 

Mrs. Higurashi leaned against the table and folded her arms together over her chest. “And what will happen when you do this?

 

Kagome shook her head, shrugged in what she hoped was a careless manner. “We don’t know for sure . . . The well . . . it’ll probably close.”

 

Mrs. Higurashi sighed. “I understand.” Wandering around the kitchen as she tried to find the words to say, Mrs. Higurashi sighed again, stopping by the framed pictures that lined the walls. All the years of her life were there, displayed for anyone who cared to look. Kagome blinked quickly as the prick of tears stung her eyes, realizing just how abrupt it was. “Kagome . . . That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? You . . . You might not come back.”

 

Mama . . .”

 

Mrs. Higurashi laughed, waving her hand as she hurried over to hug her daughter. “You know, Kagome, I’ve never expected you to do anything less than what your heart tells you, and no matter what you choose, I’ll never be more proud of you than I am right now.”

 

Kagome nodded, brushing a single tear off her cheek as she managed a thin, watery smile. “I love you, Mama.”

 

Mrs. Higurashi smiled as she reached out and stroked Kagome’s hair. “I love you, too, Kagome.”

 

The letters she’d written were hidden away. She wrote them in the middle of the night as InuYasha dozed under the window. Arms wrapped around Tetsusaiga, chin tucked against his chest, she’d seen him sleep like that too often to count, and as she watched him, she knew she didn’t really have a choice, and maybe she never really had. InuYasha needed her as much as she needed him, and whether or not he admitted as much, she knew it in her heart. They were meant to be together.

 

She’d given Mama the letters intended for Souta and Grandpa, and for her friends. She hadn’t mentioned to Yuka, Eri, or Ayumi, just why she had gone away. She figured it would be ambiguous at best. Some things should be left unsaid.

 

Kagome hadn’t slept at all that night. Lying awake in the room that was so familiar to her, she held the jewel in her hands and tried not to be sad for whatever might be. She was the one who woke InuYasha in the morning, and she was the first one done eating as InuYasha watched Mrs. Higurashi stuff as much ramen and pocky into Kagome’s oversized bag as she could. Kagome forced a hug on her nearly teenage brother, Souta had grumbled and complained as he tried to push her away. She’d hugged Grandpa next, and he seemed oddly quiet as he hugged her back.   Mrs. Higurashi had been the last. InuYasha rolled his eyes as Kagome had hugged her mother for a few extra seconds. When they stepped out of the shrine in the bright morning sunshine, he snorted and shrugged and told her to hurry.

 

You’re so mean,” she complained as she hurried to catch up with the hanyou. “Why do you have to be such a baka?

 

InuYasha shoved open the doors and ran down the stairs to the well. “I’d rather be a baka with you not crying than not be a baka with you blubbering like a girl.”

 

Kagome paused as she pulled the doors closed. “I am a girl,” she pointed out, though her tone had lost most of her irritation. ‘He doesn’t like it when I’m sad, does he? He . . . he just doesn’t handle it well.’

 

And it’s stupid, anyway,” InuYasha went on as he picked Kagome up and hopped into the well. “Ain’t no use crying over it. Whatever happens, happens, right?

 

Kagome sighed and nodded, fingering the stiff envelopes in her pocket. She’d also written letters to Sango and Miroku, to Shippou . . . and to InuYasha. If things didn’t work the way they’d planned, if she was separated from them forever . . . Kagome had given those letters to Kaede, who would give them to the intended recipient if things went awry. “You’re right,” she agreed, unable to keep the sadness out of her voice. “Whatever happens, happens . . .”

 

“You know that you must choose. You know that you were never meant to be able to transcend time,” Midoriko broke in. “It is time, Kagome. You have family and friends in your time . . . but you have the same here, too.”

 

Kagome nodded, lifting her gaze to the star-filled sky. She could have been searching for answers or looking for another choice. In the end, she knew what she wanted, and she knew what her heart had already chosen.

 

Keh! I hate your time, wench! It’s too crowded, too smelly, too loud, too everything.”

 

How many times had she heard the same thing from him? Ever since the beginning, he’d never hidden his disdain for her era, and considering his need to be outside, she couldn’t really blame him, either.

 

Keh! Your time stinks, wench.”

 

Yes, to an inu-hanyou, it probably did. Her time was too congested, too crowded, too overwhelming for his senses, and too . . .

 

Would he even want to choose my time? Of course not . . . He’d stay here, and I’d be . . . without him . . .’

 

Kagome shook her head. Was there ever really a choice at all? As much as she loved her mother and her brother, her grandfather and her friends, maybe she loved InuYasha just a little bit more.

 

“I . . . I want to stay here,” she murmured. “I need to stay here.”

 

Midoriko frowned, tilting her head to the side as she regarded Kagome calmly. “And you’re sure? That is what you truly desire?”

 

Kagome swallowed hard, blinked back tears that threatened. “Yes, I’m sure.”

 

Staring at her for several moments, as though she were trying to figure something out, Midoriko finally, hesitantly, nodded. “So be it.”

 

“InuYasha!”

 

Kagome’s head snapped toward the sound of Sango’s exclamation, and she gasped. Spinning around as she ran, she skidded to a stop before the hanyou. His body was fading away, and as he caught sight of Kagome, his eyes flared wide. “Oi, wench! What the fuck did you do?”

 

Kagome reached for him but her hands slipped through him. “InuYasha! No!

 

Kagome!” he yelled, wildly trying to grab her. Barely more than a vague outline in the darkness, InuYasha’s voice lingered in the air, an echo that whispered in her mind.

 

“What . . .? Why?” she demanded as she stared in shock at the place where InuYasha had stood.

 

“Where did he go?” Shippou asked quietly, his voice a tiny squeak. “Kagome?”

 

“Midoriko!” Kagome shrieked as she whipped around to look for the miko. ‘There’s been a mistake . . . there had to be . . . InuYasha . . .’ she thought as she stumbled back the way she’d come, her eyes filling with furious tears as she tried to convince herself that it wasn’t really true. “Midoriko!

 

“Kagome, no!” Miroku commanded as he grabbed Kagome by the shoulders to keep her from running away into the night.

 

“Where is he, Miroku?” she whispered, desperation creeping into her tone. “Where is he?

 

Miroku shook his head and hugged Kagome tighter as Kagome sank to her knees. “I . . . I don’t know.”

 

“He can’t have just disappeared! He can’t have just . . . he can’t!” Kagome railed.

 

Another set of arms wrapped around both her and Miroku as Sango rested her cheek on Kagome’s shoulder. “Maybe he’s not really gone,” Sango rasped out, her voice deep and stunted, and Kagome knew that the youkai exterminator was crying.

 

“InuYasha! InuYasha!” Kagome screamed, wincing at the lonely sound of her voice rising above the trees only to echo back to her as she struggled against her friends’ grips. “InuYasha!

 

Shippou threw himself onto Kagome’s lap. “Where’d he go, Kagome? Why would he leave us? Where’d he go?”

 

Midoriko,’ Kagome thought suddenly. She knew what happened, didn’t she? “Midoriko!”

 

“She’s not here, Kagome,” Miroku told her, his tone overly reasonable and so very, very sad. “She’s gone, too.”

 

“No! She can’t be gone! She has to tell me where InuYasha is! She . . . Midoriko!” she shrieked, tugging against the arms that held her back. She screamed until her throat was raw. Over and over, she called out, hoping that the miko would answer as Sango’s tears ran down Kagome’s arm, as Shippou’s tears dampened the front of her blouse, as Miroku squeezed her tighter and tighter.

 

Kagome’s eyes were strained and burning from her futile attempts to see even the vaguest hint of movement in the night, she slumped weakly against Miroku, her mind numbing to the truth that she didn’t want to believe. Never in her life had Kagome ever felt quite so empty, quite so alone. It made no sense, and as weariness stole over her, Kagome willed herself to cry. She felt the tingle of tears prickling her nose, felt her throat thicken as she blinked rapidly. The tears wouldn’t come.

 

It was no use. It didn’t matter. Midoriko was gone, and InuYasha . . .

 

InuYasha was gone, too.

 

 

<<<Prologue: The Great Debate

002: Changes >>>

~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~

A/N:

Sakimitama: Love.

Kushimitama: Wisdom.

Aramitama: Courage.

Nigimitama: Friendship.

Shikon no Kakera: Shards of the Sacred Jewel of Four Souls.

Shikon no Tama: Sacred Jewel of Four Souls.

Baka: Fool/Idiot.

== == == == == == == == == ==

Final Thought from Kagome:

Where did he go?

==========

Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Desideratum): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~

posted by Sueric at 12:04 am  

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