The cold scrape of metal cut through the silence. Seven year-old Toga stood on the porch, hopping up and down in his anticipation. Shippou glanced down at the youngster with a knowing grin. "Don't tell your mama you were out here watching," he remarked. Toga nodded.
InuYasha raised a clawed finger to point at Sesshoumaru. "I really hate you, you know that?"
"No more than I despise you, baka."
Shippou was impressed. Sesshoumaru had managed that sentence without slurring his speech even once. He grinned and considered dashing inside to retrieve his camcorder. He had a feeling that this was going to be one showdown for the record books. He should have known, really. Sometime after InuYasha had arrived at the mansion to gloat over Kagome being pregnant, Sesshoumaru had broken out his stock of very aged sake. Between the brothers, they'd polished off seven bottles of it in less than two hours.
Shippou had thought it couldn't get any worse when the brothers—arms slung over each other's shoulders, no less—had happily stumbled off to hit the sauna in the basement of the mansion. He'd been wrong. He'd gone downstairs to make sure that the bakas hadn't locked themselves in the steam room when he heard the definitive sounds of a rapidly escalating disagreement over which of the brothers was the better swordsman. In hindsight, Shippou probably should have stopped the two right then. `Ah,' he thought with an ever-widening grin, `to be able to turn back time . . . .'
Tetsusaiga slipped in his grasp as InuYasha frowned in Sesshoumaru's direction. "Fuckin' bastard . . . damn it . . . where'd he go?"
"I didn't move, ignorant half-breed."
InuYasha shook his head then narrowed his gaze as he tried to focus on his brother's blurry form. The one Sesshoumaru split into three then merged back together. "'Kay, so you're the one in the middle, right?"
"Prepare to die!" Sesshoumaru bellowed as he drew his sword. Holding it high above his head, he waited as InuYasha stumbled toward him. Staggering from side to side, the hanyou slipped but caught himself as he weaved his way toward Sesshoumaru. The tai-youkai sliced his sword cleanly through InuYasha's chest.
InuYasha staggered back a few steps and stared down at his unharmed flesh with a frown. "Oi!" he exclaimed with a triumphant laugh, "You didn't hurt me!"
Sesshoumaru looked duly perplexed as he raised his sword closer to his eyes and stared. "Oh, hell! Shippou, you ass! This isn't the right one!" Shippou stifled a chuckle as his father-in-law chucked Tenseiga, the sword of healing, over his shoulder. "Bring Toki-To-Tokijin, boy!"
Against his better judgment, Shippou sighed and headed back to get the right sword.
"You'd better pick that up, old man!" InuYasha hollered. He swayed precariously on his feet but managed to remain upright. "Before I Kaze no Kiz-z-z-zu your ass."
"Can't hit anything but that, baka?"
"Taste cold metal, bastard!" InuYasha rushed in again—and missed Sesshoumaru completely. He stopped and stared in confusion, scratching his head in wonder. "What the—you were right here!"
Shippou sprinted down the patio stairs with Tokijin. It had crossed his mind that this might not be the best decision he'd ever made. Nether of the brothers were in a lucent enough state to be fighting. Still, he handed over the sword and marched InuYasha a few steps away.
InuYasha raised his sword and pointed at nothing. "Get out here and fight me!" he bellowed.
"Over here, baka!"
Shippou shook his head and slowly turned InuYasha around to face Sesshoumaru again. "Feh! Trying to sneak up on me, are you? Lessee how you'd like Tes-s-saiga shoved up your . . ." InuYasha stopped and frowned as he stuck Tetsusaiga point down in the earth. "Ah, hell! What are we doin'?"
Sesshoumaru raised his sword, pointing it at his brother. He looked controlled enough. Shippou didn't miss the slight waver in the blade. "Come, half-breed. You're no match for This Sesshoumaru!"
"You can do it, Uncle Yasha!" Toga hollered. Sesshoumaru's head snapped to the side, and he stared in amazement at his only son. Toga whined. "Err, I mean, come on, Father!"
Shippou laughed. The poor pup couldn't figure out who he was supposed to cheer on. Toga whined again and covered his eyes as the clash of swords rang out.
"Is this the best you've got, InuYasha?" Sesshoumaru taunted.
"Kiss the Father's fang, you bastard!" InuYasha growled.
Without warning, InuYasha pulled Tetsusaiga away and barreled into Sesshoumaru with his shoulder sending the youkai staggering back. "Who's your daddy?"
Sesshoumaru squared his shoulders and raised his sword again. "Just bring it."
Shippou rolled his eyes. Apparently they had been exposed to a little too much international television.
InuYasha lunged for his brother. Sesshoumaru stepped out of the way. "Wait."
Sesshoumaru cocked his head to the side and listened. "My cell phone is ringing."
InuYasha looked duly befuddled. "Your what? Where the hell is it? Up your ass?"
Sesshoumaru glanced down then made a face. Understandable, Shippou figured, since both combatants were crossing swords in their underwear. "Baka! It's on my desk in there," he said, jerking his head toward the mansion.
Toga tugged at Shippou's shirt. "Is `ass' another word I shouldn't say to Mama?"
Shippou choked back a laugh. "I wouldn't advise it, Toga."
"Oh, for the love of . . . Sesshoumaru!"
"Uh oh," Toga whispered, trying his best to melt into Shippou's side as Kagura stomped out of the mansion. "Father's in for it now."
"Kagura, my darling, my goddess, my one and only—"
"Don't give me that! Just what the hell do you two bakas think you're doing out here in the middle of the night in your underpants?"
"What the fuck? And you say I get too mushy with K'gome," InuYasha slurred just before he dissolved in laughter and fell to the ground. "Great Lord of the Youkai groveling at his mate's feet!"
"This Sesshoumaru does not grovel!"
"Sesshoumaru!" Kagura yelled.
The Great Lord of the Youkai's head swiveled to face his wife. "Yes, my love?"
InuYasha flopped onto his back, laughing so hard that tears ran down his cheeks.
"Is there a reason you're acting like a couple of ten year-olds?" Kagura demanded.
Toga peeked out from behind Shippou and said, "Uncle Yasha is trying to shove Tetsusaiga up Father's ass, and Father told Uncle Yasha to bring it."
"To-ga!" Shippou hissed, trying to keep from drawing Kagura's ire, himself.
Kagura's face deepened about six shades of red. She grabbed Toga's hand and headed inside. "Mama! I was being good!" Toga protested.
Shippou groaned as the unmistakable sound of the door being locked echoed in his ears. He sighed and dug into his pockets for his keys.
"Come on, you two," he said, hauling InuYasha to his feet and then dragging both him and his brother around the mansion.
"Where we goin'?" InuYasha muttered.
Shippou raised his keychain and unlocked the doors to his car with a click of a button. "Apparently we're spending the night at your house."
Sesshoumaru stopped. "Did Kagura kick me out of my own house?"
"Damn straight," Shippou said, unable to hide his grin.
"What's that you always say, Sesshoumaru?" Shippou couldn't help asking as he pushed InuYasha into the back seat and closed the door. "Hell hath no fury like Kagura scorned?"
Shippou laughed. He could only pray that Kagome had a better sense of humor than Kagura . . . .
This one is posted because BakaBokken told me to. LOL! Originally a chapter in Purity, I never posted it because it just didn't seem . . . right… It was just too good not to share, though, so I hope you enjoy it. (The original version was never uploaded but was actually InuYasha's bachelor Party. I had to alter some things, but it works. )
Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Toga oneshots): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.