… no matter what you do, there’s always something, isn’t there? This week’s been pretty rough on us. Between refereeing family fights to finding out that something ELSE is wrong with our car, not to mention being sick for a few days (at least I got some writing done) and breaking the forum, it’s hard to keep telling myself that things are going to be okay. I guess maybe it’s karma for saying that it couldn’t get much worse, right?
I give up. At this point, I wonder if we’ll be able to keep our house at all. Eric’s been practically begging at work to get more time in, I’ve been calling everyone under the sun trying to get my foot in for a job (ANY job), and yet, nothing at all, which is not surprising, all things considered. People who have worked steadily for years with college degrees can’t get a job around here, so why would a stay at home mom who hasn’t worked outside the home have a snowball’s chance in hell? Then we find out, too, that Skylar’s been having a few issues at school, which isn’t entirely surprising since he’s older now, but they’re telling me that if he doesn’t straighten up, they’ll remove him from school, even though by law, they have to keep him in school till he’s 22 if that’s what we want. Then it gets to me because we still haven’t filed for guardianship of him, and that’s just a bomb waiting to explode right in my face, but we don’t have the 1000 bucks to file for that on top of everything else.
Positivity? What the hell is that? I feel so stupid for having said that, at all. What’s the point? What’s the point to any of it? As far as I can see, it’s hopeless, utterly hopeless. A few people (God bless you) have helped us, and we appreciate it so much, and yet, every time I turn around, it’s something else. Now, suddenly, the lights in my car are going haywire, so it’s another trip to the shop because they don’t sell dashboard light bulbs at the auto shop, and honestly, I don’t know that that’s the actual problem since my side turn signals in front don’t want to work, nor do my taillights stay on as they should with the daytime running lights. We changed all the fuses, did all the troubleshooting we could think of or find on Google, and nothing works, so it’s back to the shop, paying for repairs with money we don’t have.
I feel like I’m just beating my head against a brick wall and there’s just no help for it, and when I stop to think that Christmas really isn’t that far away, well, I don’t even want to think of it. We bought our kids each one or two things last year because it was all we had, and this year isn’t going to be any better. At least they’re older, and they can understand that we don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I’m just ranting because it all just feels so very wrong right now, and when I think that we only have until December 3 to get all this crap done, it makes me feel literally sick to my stomach. That’ll be a hell of a Christmas present, right? I wish I thought it was funny.
Anyway, the point of all this is just to say that if I suddenly disappear offline, you’ll know why. I feel like maybe I’m being punished for the things in my life that I’ve done wrong, but that doesn’t make sense because, if that were true, then why would my family have to pay for those things, too? Then I feel like my brain’s going to explode, and all my ‘friends’? They’re too busy to help or have too many other things going on that they don’t have time to take a moment to even ask me if I’m all right. That sounds bitter, I know, and it probably is. The thing is, I really do try to be a positive person. I try to encourage people the best I can because just a little encouragement can go a long way, but I can’t help but wonder why it is that so few people ever try to be there for me like that. I know, I sound like a big whiner right now, but honestly, I really just don’t know anymore. I try to tell myself that the good Lord knows what I can and absolutely cannot take, and that there’s a reason for everything that happens. Lately, though, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that.
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