Seriously, so irritated beyond words at the moment. It’s just that indignant anger, I guess, that irritation and worry that just gnaws at me.

Eric’s still working (sort of). They say that Tuesday is supposed to be his last day, but no one has said for sure anything; that is the rumor, but it’s so hard to deal with because it makes it difficult to look for another job when you’re hanging in limbo like that, right? And it’s not that he’s even put in a full week lately, either, since they tend to send people home if they run out of things to do on a given day, which hurts even more financially, but even now, we’re coping and making it, or at least, we were.

Earlier this month, we got a nasty shock in the form of our electric bill. Well, as most of you know, this winter’s been hellacious. We didn’t realize that the electric company had been guesstimating our bill since November, and we’re used to our winter electric bill being around 300 – 350 a month, so it wasn’t a huge deal since we were able to pay it, but then this month, I open the mail to find our bill is 743.84, and that it’s due next week. So I called our local trustee to see if they could help us, and they said they could. Mind, this was maybe the 2nd or 3rd of the month. I didn’t hear anything from them, so I called them to verify it yesterday, and they’re telling me that they ‘ran out of funds’ and that they’re ‘sorry’; did I try the Salvation Army? I mean, seriously? They couldn’t have told me this earlier in the month when there might have been some hope that I could figure something out? So I called the Salvation Army, and they are strapped, too. It seems that we’re not the only people who are getting slammed like this and for a lot of folks, they didn’t have vacation time to fall back on, so they got short-checked on top of it all for the many days missed due to massive snowfalls. (Between December and early April, I don’t think we went more than a few days without more snow on top of more snow, not to mention the -50 with wind chill weather). I called the electric company, and all they could say was that we ‘should have realized’ that our bill was too low. I mean, I’ll be clear: we do have enough to pay PART of the stinking bill, but the whole thing? Geez!

I’m just so MAD that they couldn’t bother to let us know that the help they’d promised had fallen through. I am not a mind reader; I don’t just wake up KNOWING these things, especially when the trustee told me to check back “in a couple weeks, maybe three” to make sure that they had paid it for us. It’s so stupid! And yet, I suppose it’s my own fault for not having realized that they weren’t actually reading my meter … Whatever.

I keep telling myself that good things happen to those who don’t lose faith, and I’m trying. I’m so ready to get to the bright side of this whole downward spiral. I feel like it just can’t be that far away; that we’re due for a turn-around soon. I just have to hold on until then. I can do that. I just wish that I’d stop having bullshit heaped at me time after time.

On the brighter side (if there is one), I have been thinking that I want to work on one of my originals so that I might possibly start to contribute to our family income, but I ask that if you have a favorite between The Grace of Aberration and The Fulcrum, please do leave me a comment and let me know which one you’d rather read and why. Please. As the author, I love them both, so it’s hard to say which one is really ‘better’ than the other. I’m fighting to get my head back into writing, and it’s tough, but I’ve started to use my Twitter more, so do feel free to find me there. My twitter is Sueric@SuericFanfics.

I just needed to vent about the dumb stuff that’s going on, and I did want to let you all know that I’m still alive and kicking, and I’ll keep everyone updated, too, provided I still have electricity after next week lol

Or log into paypal and click on the Send Money tab. My email is sueric1111@gmail.com

The server has been paid, thanks to a couple very sweet and generous folks 🙂 I would post their names here, but I don’t want to embarrass anyone (unless they want me to, in which case, I’ll be happy to post their names!)

Now for future reference, I want to remind you all that, should MediaMiner become any more busted than it already is, I will post things here on the blog, so don’t worry about missing updates. There’s also an RSS feature on this blog to keep you informed, as well. Or you can find me on Twitter, where I will always post a notice if I post a real chapter either here or on Media Miner.

As for Eric’s job, his last day is Friday, though he will be getting severance pay for a few weeks following the termination of his employment, He’s also started looking for a job, (he couldn’t before then because they didn’t give him a real date of separation until about last week). He’s put in his application at a couple places, though, so please cross your fingers for us. My darling mother helped me get a computer (we have to pay for it when Eric gets another job, but that’s okay, too), and I’ve been sitting down for a few minutes at least every day to write a little, and as things settle down around here, that time will increase for me, too.

Please do keep us in your prayers. Money helps pay bills, but prayers help me feel the sense of support and offer me the knowledge that I’m not alone, that there are truly people who care. Oh, and also, feel free to email me. I swear I don’t bite, and I do like to hear from you guys, even if I can’t get back to you immediately, I do get back to those who email me as quickly as I can!

All my love,

Sue

Hey, guys, just a heads’ up. This site will be going down in 7 days as I do not have the money to pay for the server this year. The total cost is 83.40, and with my husband’s last week of work being this week, we simply cannot afford it any longer. I’m really sorry to tell you this, in light of it being my last real place in which I can talk to you all. But it is what it is.

If anyone wishes to donate to the cost of the server, though, it’d be greatly appreciated. I love having this site, and I’d love even more to save it. Please let me know if you can help or send a donation through PayPal. I have till the 14th to pay the server cost. Thanks, guys, and if that doesn’t work out, then I hope to be back soon–as soon as my husband’s got a new job and everything is settled again!

God bless you all!

With all my love,

Sue

Or log into paypal and click on the Send Money tab. My email is sueric1111@gmail.com

EDIT!

20.00 received toward server cost!  Thanks, TS!!

Season’s Greetings. Happy Holidays. Heaven forbid I say, “Merry Christmas” … right? Well, since this is my blog post, I’ll say it anyway: Merry Christmas.

I hope the holiday season finds everyone well and healthy. Life around here has been one huge roller coaster this year with more downs, it seems sometimes, than ups. I mean, on the plus side, we were able to complete repairs on the house —thanks to the people who helped us get those done on time! You will forever be in my heart; I hope you all know that.

On the down side, my husband’s company had a meeting around Halloween and told everyone that things were ‘looking up, blah blah blah’, and then last week, another meeting to announce that they’re closing as of March 2014. It felt kind of like a kick in the gut, or maybe the very last indignity heaped upon an already craptastic year. My positivity at this point is shaky at best and barely hanging on, and it feels sometimes like the more I try to encourage others, the more my life seems to fall apart. At this point, I’m just trying to hold everything together for my husband’s sake. I mean, this isn’t his fault. He’s worked there for fifteen years now, and then this. It’s all so horrible, and I’m glad they’re giving everyone notice, but just before Christmas . . . well, it makes everything just a little harder to take. We already knew we had next to no money for Christmas, thanks to Eric’s lack of overtime. My kids are old enough to know that they won’t get a lot for Christmas, and they’re okay with that. They’re just happy to be with us, and I’m happy, too, and yet I can’t help but feel like that happiness is so very fragile, as though it’s teetering at the edge of a very thin blade and that happiness is a tightrope I’m walking. I feel like this is what I get for thinking that the worst was behind us because I know what the job market is like around here. It’s not good. We come from an industrial area, and yet all the industries are closing. Of the twenty factories that existed prior to the recession, only four remained. As of March, there will be three. People ask us, why don’t we move? It’s not as simple as that, either. As it is, we own our house: no rent, no mortgage, and if we can barely make it through as it is, then what hope do we have for a time when we won’t have an income to speak of (because unemployment is just not enough to make it.) Will Eric get a severance package? Sure, but not in the true sense of the term. He’ll get a very small amount for his fifteen years of dedicated employment, and all that will serve to do is screw with filing for unemployment and such because, as many know, even if you want food stamps, you have to starve for a good month before you can even qualify to get those, too.)

I feel like we’re at the very bottom of a glass cylinder that stretches up to the skies. There’s nothing to grab onto; there’s no hope at all. Eric doesn’t have his GED, and I tell him that he can get it—I mean, he kind of has to, all things considered, and yet, I worry about that, too. See, he was in a car accident when he was in high school, and it affected his short-term memory and still does. He has trouble remembering things, and if those things don’t interest him (like school work, for example) then he has even more trouble with it. When he dropped out of school, he was roughly three grades behind. He’s not stupid. He learns things through repetition and does a lot of note taking, but he’s scared it won’t be enough to help him get the GED, and I believe he can. At least, I hope he can since his ability to get another job depends upon it. As for me? I’ve been putting in my application everywhere, and nothing. Now, part of that, I know, is due to the fact that I haven’t worked since 2000. The rest of it? The biggest part of it? I’ll be honest here. I made some bad choices back then, and I got in trouble with the law. Where it used to ask on apps, “Have you been convicted of a felony in the past seven years?” it now asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?”, and once they see the YES box checked, then you can forget about it. Yes, I realize that I made my own bad choices, and yes, I learned from my mistakes. Yes, I know that my inability to get a job is ultimately my own fault, and I take responsibility for that. But no where on those apps does it ask, have you learned your lesson? Do you understand the reasons behind your own actions? Can you be sure that you won’t repeat the same behavior again? Because I could answer all of those positively. I went to counseling. I learned things about myself that I didn’t know before—ugly things that I hadn’t wanted to know, and yet, I was able to deal with those same things and to grow from them. I know that people are allowed to make mistakes. I don’t think that they should be punished for them forever, but I am, and I know that it’s my own fault, but that doesn’t really help me feel better when I think, what the hell are we going to do?

As for my computer (which I’m not writing this from lol), I don’t currently have one. I have to borrow my kid’s computer because mine got dropped and pretty well shattered, which is the main reason I’m writing this now. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get another computer. At this point, it’s a frivolous thing that we just can’t afford. I just don’t know, so the reality of it is that all of my stories are going to be put on indefinite hiatus. I hope you understand. I hope to finish the stories one day, and I will check in as much as I can from my phone or on my kid’s computer. Just know that Evan and Valerie will get their happily ever after.

My wish for all of you is to be healthy and happy, to love and to laugh. The time I got to spend with all of you was truly a blessing to me and one that I will forever truly miss.

Sue

So we just found out today that as of March, my husband’s going to be out of a job. Talk about just one more thing, right? So I’m asking that you all keep us in your prayers while we figure out what we’re going to do. The computer’s going to have to wait until things are worked out, and I am sorry for that. Please pray for us, and I hope to update sometime soon.

Merry Christmas,

Sue

Well, the original plan was to get the rest of Subterfuge done by Christmas, but I’m not so sure that’s possible.  My computer has decided to die on me, so all the work I’d done is gone right now, and I’m forced to resort to using my kid’s computer (like now) just to get some stuff done.  No one is more unhappy about this than I am, but it is what it is.  I should be able to get a new computer around tax time (ugh) so until then, I’m just doing what I can with my phone (though writing isn’t exactly one of those things lol).

Sorry for the delay, but I wish you all a GREAT holiday season!

Just wanted to take a long-overdue moment to check in and to say THANK YOU to everyone who helped to save our house. At the moment, we’re still working on the repairs (they should be finished by Thanksgiving, knock on wood!), but for the first time in a long time, I don’t fear what tomorrow might bring. I want to thank everyone who helped us, and I wanted to say THANKS as well to those who have offered me emotional support. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.

If you’ve heard the news lately, too, then maybe you’ve heard about the tornadoes that ripped through Indiana yesterday. We live about an hour north of the worst hit area (Kokomo), and I’m thankful to say that we had winds but kind of balanced between the storms so we didn’t actually get anything major where we live. It was frightening, though, because the tornado alarms went off and were pretty scary. Today, Eric’s factory (about fifteen minutes north of us) was shut down due to power outage, but it’s up and running now, and we’re hoping that he can take a vacation day for today so that we don’t lose a day’s pay since our electric bill is due next week. It’s not a huge deal, but it will make things incredibly tight if he’s short a day that isn’t his fault. But I think they’ll allow it because I’m sure that he’s not the only one who will be asking lol.

We don’t actually have a thing for Thanksgiving dinner, but I figure that it’s okay. All my guys and I have talked about it, and we’ve come to the conclusion that it’s fine to have peanut butter sandwiches and ramen for our holiday because we have so much to be thankful for. I feel like I’ve learned so much this year especially but last year as well about blessings and about the things that truly matter. We might not have much this year, but maybe next year will be better. We don’t have anything for Thanksgiving, and we won’t have anything for Christmas, either, but we’re healthy, and we’re home, and I think that’s more than a lot of people have.

As for updates, I am hoping to get back to my real love of writing when we finally get the kitchen work out of the way. I am HOPING to give you all the rest of Subterfuge for Christmas this year. At least, this is my aim, God willing, so I hope you’re all looking forward to that!

Again, I cannot express my gratitude to everyone who has helped us. I know I’ve said it before, but I mean it. I truly hope God blesses you all, and I pray that you all enjoy this holiday season!

With all my love,

Sue

Figured I should post one of these to let you all know what’s going on, but first off, I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who has sent their support, monetarily and via email just to offer encouragement. It’s meant a lot to me and my family.

As of this time, we still don’t have enough to finish the repairs on the house that are needed on time, and with every day that passes, I reconcile myself a little more to the idea that it’s just not enough, that our efforts (and yours) aren’t going to be enough right now. As near as we can figure, we’re short about 400 – 600 to finish the things that have to be done in order for our house to not be condemned, though we’re hopeful that, if we somehow did manage to come up with the funds, that maybe they’d understand that it just took us a little longer to get the money; that they’ll let us have some kind of extension to actually complete the repairs. It’s my last real hope.

I wanted to take the time to let you all know what’s going to happen should we fail to meet the deadline. It’s not a threat or anything, of course. It’s just the reality of the situation, of how it is. As of right now, you see, we have no rent or mortgage payment, and there will be one. Most of the places in this area go for 500 – 600 a month rent, which is going to hurt us so very much, especially since, at the same time, we’re going to be even shorter every week, due to the implementation of Obamacare. See, Eric’s work insurance is a joke. $5000.00 per year deductible plus $1200.00 a year Out of Pocket BEFORE they’ll even co-pay on prescriptions, so unless someone were to become massively ill, we’ll never meet those two requirements, ever, yet we still have to pay 200.00 a month (50 a week) out of his check or be fined by the IRS at the end of the year—something else we cannot afford. Indiana has no choice though. The way the legislation is written, you HAVE to take whatever your employer offers you if they offer any kind of coverage, no matter how big of a joke it really is. You don’t get to choose your coverage. You take whatever they toss down to you and pay whatever you have to pay, and IF you’re lucky, you’ll get a ‘tax break’. Whatever. It does no good to complain about it. Letters to congresspeople and state reps don’t help. Why should they? We’re not rich. We don’t contribute to their reelection pots. They don’t give a great goddamn about us.

So, starting in January, our 440 a week drops to closer to 390 – 400. Ouch. On top of that, we’ll have to deal with a new rent payment that we didn’t have now, but it is what it is, right?

So anything “extra” bill-wise has to go, and the only “extra” we have is, sadly, our internet bill and phones. We’re going to keep one phone but shut off the other, which is okay, but we have to have some way for the school to contact us in case, God forbid, Skylar has a seizure or anything. We have a weekly car payment that will luckily end in April when it’s paid off, but we only have one car besides Alex’s, so we have to keep that, too. To that end, however, I’m trying to finish up Purity 9 at least, instead of leaving it hanging indefinitely. To do so, I do have to cut some stuff that was supposed to happen before the wedding, but I’d rather complete the story than to let it drag on and on, especially when there is frankly no telling when or if I’ll be back online anytime soon. Also, if it looks like we’re just not going to make it, then I will post the preliminary chapters to Purity 11 and 12 in the Spoiler Room forum (for those who have access). It’s not something I want to do, but it is what it is.

I also wanted to take the time to thank you all for your support and encouragement over the years. It’s meant the world to me. I honestly don’t know where I would be now if it weren’t for fanfiction and for you all, and I wish you all the best in the future. I’m hoping that I can post that everything’s going to be fine, but at this point, I’m trying to be realistic. It breaks my heart, but again, it is what it is, and I’d rather take the time now to tell you all how much I love and appreciate you than to end up not having the chance at all. I guess I was wrong before about being at rock bottom, because I feel more than ever that I am there now, but it is okay because at least when we finally do hit the bottom, there is no where else to go but up.

Hope to still be with you all after December 3rd, but if not, I hope that you all have enjoyed the stories that I have posted. They were written with love from my heart to yours.

All my love and affection,

Sueric aka Sue

Or log into paypal and click on the Send Money tab. My email is sueric1111@gmail.com

… no matter what you do, there’s always something, isn’t there? This week’s been pretty rough on us. Between refereeing family fights to finding out that something ELSE is wrong with our car, not to mention being sick for a few days (at least I got some writing done) and breaking the forum, it’s hard to keep telling myself that things are going to be okay. I guess maybe it’s karma for saying that it couldn’t get much worse, right?

I give up. At this point, I wonder if we’ll be able to keep our house at all. Eric’s been practically begging at work to get more time in, I’ve been calling everyone under the sun trying to get my foot in for a job (ANY job), and yet, nothing at all, which is not surprising, all things considered. People who have worked steadily for years with college degrees can’t get a job around here, so why would a stay at home mom who hasn’t worked outside the home have a snowball’s chance in hell? Then we find out, too, that Skylar’s been having a few issues at school, which isn’t entirely surprising since he’s older now, but they’re telling me that if he doesn’t straighten up, they’ll remove him from school, even though by law, they have to keep him in school till he’s 22 if that’s what we want. Then it gets to me because we still haven’t filed for guardianship of him, and that’s just a bomb waiting to explode right in my face, but we don’t have the 1000 bucks to file for that on top of everything else.

Positivity? What the hell is that? I feel so stupid for having said that, at all. What’s the point? What’s the point to any of it? As far as I can see, it’s hopeless, utterly hopeless. A few people (God bless you) have helped us, and we appreciate it so much, and yet, every time I turn around, it’s something else. Now, suddenly, the lights in my car are going haywire, so it’s another trip to the shop because they don’t sell dashboard light bulbs at the auto shop, and honestly, I don’t know that that’s the actual problem since my side turn signals in front don’t want to work, nor do my taillights stay on as they should with the daytime running lights. We changed all the fuses, did all the troubleshooting we could think of or find on Google, and nothing works, so it’s back to the shop, paying for repairs with money we don’t have.

I feel like I’m just beating my head against a brick wall and there’s just no help for it, and when I stop to think that Christmas really isn’t that far away, well, I don’t even want to think of it. We bought our kids each one or two things last year because it was all we had, and this year isn’t going to be any better. At least they’re older, and they can understand that we don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I’m just ranting because it all just feels so very wrong right now, and when I think that we only have until December 3 to get all this crap done, it makes me feel literally sick to my stomach. That’ll be a hell of a Christmas present, right? I wish I thought it was funny.

Anyway, the point of all this is just to say that if I suddenly disappear offline, you’ll know why. I feel like maybe I’m being punished for the things in my life that I’ve done wrong, but that doesn’t make sense because, if that were true, then why would my family have to pay for those things, too? Then I feel like my brain’s going to explode, and all my ‘friends’? They’re too busy to help or have too many other things going on that they don’t have time to take a moment to even ask me if I’m all right. That sounds bitter, I know, and it probably is. The thing is, I really do try to be a positive person. I try to encourage people the best I can because just a little encouragement can go a long way, but I can’t help but wonder why it is that so few people ever try to be there for me like that. I know, I sound like a big whiner right now, but honestly, I really just don’t know anymore. I try to tell myself that the good Lord knows what I can and absolutely cannot take, and that there’s a reason for everything that happens. Lately, though, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that.

Or log into paypal and click on the Send Money tab. My email is sueric1111@gmail.com

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Well, she did it, of course. My “wonderful” sister-in-law called the housing authority on us. Luckily, we were able to get the biggest threat under control (the mold) so the inspector only saw a very small portion of it, but he said that if he could see it, it meant that it was growing in the ceiling, so we have to pull it down and reinsulated it. Then he did see other things and gave us 90 days to fix the things or else (he’ll condemn our house). The other wall needs to be replaced, the floor in the kitchen provides a grave risk (he said), and those things have to be done within 90 days. I’m not gonna lie. I was pretty upset for a few days, but I decided that I would rather try to be optimistic, so here I am. The cosmetic stuff isn’t pretty but it can wait. It’s the structural damage that the inspector pinpointed, like the weakened floor in the kitchen because of the leaking roof and the wall that didn’t have mold but is caving in. Unfortunately, it’s a support wall, so we have to replace it or the entire thing could come falling down.

Eric’s hours still haven’t picked up, but at least the rumors that there might be another round of layoffs has been dispelled. We were pretty worried about that one :/ Between doing things around the house and stuff, he’s been pretty well exhausted, and I feel bad for him.

To be honest, it’s been pretty difficult lately to remember that I’m worth anything, given the things that have been happening. It’s like being pushed down so often that you start to wonder just what you matter to anyone, and I know deep down that this feelings comes from my frustration at my inability to write. I mean, I can write, but I literally don’t have the time to do it like I want to, and I realize more than anything, that writing is a kind of therapy for me—a way to get my feelings out in a constructive way so that I’m not taking those same emotions out on the people around me. I’m pretty sure that this is the crux of my problem, and yet, until we get the house fixed like we should, there’s really no help for it.

We also found out that my mother has a tumor on one of her ovaries, and the doctor said that it’s a good five inches (yes, inches) in diameter. She’s awaiting result from a biopsy, and we’re hoping that it isn’t cancerous because at her age and present state of health, she’s not a candidate for surgery. I’m trying not to think about this, too, because, well, it’s a lot to take in, and as much as I’d love to go see her, we just don’t have the money with the house repairs that have to be done.

So we went to the bank to beg for a loan, and that didn’t work out. With Eric’s reduced hours, our bills have been paid a little later than they should be, and with our credit already the way it is, there’s nothing they could do for us. Like I said, I had my days of feeling sorry for myself and all that. I’m hoping that things are starting to move in the right direction now. I mean, it really can’t go any further south, IMO. It can’t, right …?

Trying to stay positive to keep my sanity in check, and I’ve managed to get a minute or two here and there to jot down a few words. As a small thank you for those who have been so gracious to us, I’ve posted the first chapter of Mikio’s story on Media Miner. I know it isn’t much, but it’s all I’ve got. I’m praying that, with help, we can get this stuff done within the 90 day deadline before the next inspection so I can get back to the things that I love to do, the things that make me feel like I’m worth something, and I hate to do so, but I will ask once more, hopefully for the last time, for help. If we could do it on our own, we would. We already sold my desktop PC (so I’m using a rather old laptop, but it’s all good) and everything else—our CDs, movies, anything that could help us to fix our house in time—and we just have nothing left that is of any value. Sad but true, I even sold my entire InuYasha collection, the whole thing. I just have nothing left to sell or trade or anything. We’re truly at the bottom, and yet, I feel this sense of hope that since we’re down here already, there IS nowhere to go but up. If you can help us now, you have no idea how much this would mean to us, how much your help so far has meant to us. If you can’t, I understand that, too. In any case, I thank you for reading this post, and I thank you for your emotional support! This whole year has truly been one of the hardest of my life. I figure that things can only get better from here.

Or log into paypal and click on the Send Money tab. My email is sueric1111@gmail.com